The Awful Thief
by PepperonciniPepperoni
Summary: Someone's stealing everyone's junk. What is going on?
1. Chapter 1

It was a totally wonderous Saturday morning and Scarecrow was watching some Saturday morning cartoons on the WB channel while making some pancakes in his totally rad pink apron. He hummed a cute little christmas carol while slicing his pancakes with his needles on his hand. After drenching the pancakes with syrup, he kicked back in his armchair and was like "Oh my goshhh today is soooooo awesome. Like why do I even try to scare people? lol"

It had been a total of three weeks since Scarecrow had last used his fear gas and he was doing just fine kicking the addiction. Since then, everything had been positive positive positive. He was decorating his apartment with happiness. Smiley-face stickers were all over the sides of his flat screen television. He had even painted his toenails and was trying to find a job. But, you know, everyone knows who he is and is scared and that's just not working out for him.

And just as suddenly as his so totally awesome day had begun, his cartoons were interrupted by awful news. All he could do was hold his plate and look all shocked like :O… Some moron was on the news dressed up just like him and using his fear gas to freak people out. No one knew who the heck it was, but he recognised the little shit's face. It was his ex-bestie for lifey, Arkham Knight aka Jason!

"OH MY GOD!" He was so freaked out he dropped his pancakes on the floor and it was like a bad relapse. He suddenly wanted the fear gas like his life depended on it so he slapped himself and got back to the real problem. "What the fuck Jason!" He yelled like the guy could hear him and put on his running shoes because he was about to run the heck away because the Bat would be on his way and all.

"Ah!" He squaked running down the alley and then he remembered his leg was in a brace and limped (Yeaaaaaaah sounds like a real faker, huh!?)) And Batman was suddenly there since he was so darn slow with that ugly brace. "Noooo it wasn't meeeee" He was so weird right now.

Batman was kinda a smart guy with his tech stuff and money. His stealth was unbelievable and he had a pretty cool looking car, so he felt kind of like he had to believe the ugly mugged jerky turkey. "Oh yea, who was it then?" He asked because he just always has to know who the bad guys are but he's so selfish he won't even share his own identity.

"Like idk, why don't you use your bat gear or something and find out yourself duhhhhh" Scarecrow was taking a risk, but he didn't care because he'd already lost his face. He didn't have much more to lose!

And then Batman was soooo sad because the truth was coming out! He had also been robbed, he had only a few of his cool gadgets. And no, his beautiful car was not one of them. But he did have his voice thing-ma-bob and it IS pretty cool. "Honestly we are both screwed man." So they kind of considered becoming homeless for a minute, even though Scarecrow had a little apartment full of happiness.

"What the heck-ma-bobs!" They were interupted by none other than Oswald Cobblepot who disturbingly looked more like his Gotham impersonification thant his super ubber hot and sweaty Arkham Knight version. Who would pass up the chance to kiss that nice short chunky lil wrinkly face with the big nose on the face of a man who had the voice of an angel? Well, I'll tell you who, all the losers who think that ugly mug from that terrible show Gotham is cute! "Are you guys seriously giving up?!"

"Yes!" Scarecrow squealed, but Batman was so so not gonna chicken in front of TWO of his enemies, "Oh heck no we're men right!" He punched Scarecrow in the shoulder and it kinda hurt lol.

"He stole from us!" Scarecrow was like a little bitch, especially since Batman poked his neck with that fear gas. Gosh golly, the effect it has on some people!

"He stole from all of us! We have to find out why!" Batman suddenly was all brave again and eager to be a hero even though, he really doesn't have many fans. I mean think about his fans for a second, most of them like the villains more.

The new found trio headed back to Scarecrows apartment, started the coffee maker and plopped their butts down in bungee chairs. Penguin pulled out a Etch A Sketch and drew out some maps for them to study. They then decided to wait until night time since that always seems to work for Batman. Passing the time they painted one anothers toenails and watched cooking shows. Life is wonderful my people.

Meanwhile, across the city of Gotham, Jason was so happy he didn't know what to do with himself. That temper was definitely on vacation, Jason had everything he wanted for the time being. He was taking selfies while posing against the Batmobile in the most peculiar outfit. He had Harley's pretty dress on underneath Scarecrow's tattered brown trenchcoat and was holding Penguin's umbrella in his other hand. It was just plain horrifying and unsettling.

He posted the picture on his twitter and was like "Ohmygod collectibles!" No one freaking liked him and he didn't care. He'd been tortured for like a year by Joker so his personality was like that of a dysfunctional keyboard and he'd never be right. EVER.

Jason had all kinds of crap and had become a massive thief since giving up his role as the Arkham Knight. He really had nothing better to do and this was making him pretty happy. "Oh I loooove youuuu." He hugged the batmobile and then turned on the news and watched himself using the fear gas "YES I AM AWESOME" He was truely evil.

He pulled out his list and crossed off Scarecrow's name since he had just finished robbing him. Slade was next on the list and he was pretty sure he wanted that helmet. But….then he saw it. The sword was grabbing as his ever-so-short attention span like honey attracts bees. He was having numerous fantasies at once about this beautiful weapon.

And so the decision was made, he hopped in the Batmobile and blasted Britney Spears' Circus at top volume in the poor car as he sped over to Slade Wilson's glamed up house.

Slade was the type of guy everyone wished they could be. He was super intelligent and had the body of a god. Almost no one could defeat him in a battle and he was totally getting popular from hating on some teenagers that lived in a huuuge T right down the road from him.

He pretty much had the life and was living the life. He danced with happiness every afternoon to some club songs because he was just so happy. He was fit. And he was not expecting this oddball to rob him at all. Things were about to get real… really fast!

Like how do my fans even think this is going to go! Someone message me with your thoughts! With loooooove, Pepperonii.


	2. Chapter 2

It was total disco life at Slade's house, he was partying it up with the Riddler and Two-Face and they were all pretty drunk. "Hey guys, want to see my goldfish collection?" Slade asked because they were all pretty drunk and like why not? Everyone was for it and danced over to the goldfish room where Slade had like so many goldfish.

They shook their hips while they checked out the itty bitty creatures, "ohmygod they are soooooo precious" Riddler said and Two-Face flipped a coin to make sure he agreed and he did.

"I spend the majority of my assassin monies on these lil babies" Slade knew how to handle the fish with care and pulled one out of it's enclosure. The goldfish did some cool tricks like backflips and somersaults. They all ooed and ahhed, but really just in case your stupid, fish flop around when they are dying and that's what was really happening. Slade put the fish back in the tank and it was so freakin relieved. Who knows how many fish he's killed doing that you know?

There was a knock at the door but they are villains and have henchmen for special lines of work so Slade just told one of his men to open the door and it was Batman! "omfg who invited him!" Two-Face was not in his normal attire and was kinda embarrassed to be seen out of character. "I told you I should have wore that acid-aten suit!" He cried and the three kinda cuddled for comfort.

Batman was tryin to be tough and was like I'm not here to cuddle? "You're about to be robbed, Slade!" He growled, meaning to warn the poor soul.

"Omg Batman is finally...finally becoming one of us" Riddler was so happy but then Batman was like NO so they were all like omg is he bipolar?

And then the whole wall of goldfish exploded and don't worry the innocent goldfish all somersaulted away into the water below the tower because I think Slade should live in a lighthouse so he can use the light to search for more goldfish. Jason was there but he was in his Arkham Knight gear and was using that awful computer disguise voice again. But everyone knew it was him? "Hand over the goods, Sladee!" Scarecrow and Penguin were there too, but they stayed behind Batman who stayed behind Riddler and Two-Face who stayed behind Slade.

"omg how many people got my facebook party invite on facebook?" Slade was a little freaked out lol

But Jason was here for some serious buzzwax. "Give me your sword, Slade!"He was bossy but had a pretty cool gun and everyone liked it so they chose to stay neutral...even Batman.

But Slade was very attached to his sword like no one else. When he was a boy he had pull it from a stone in the woods with the help of Merlin and it completed him it was his soulmate so he didn't want to. He had it out and was looking at it while thinking all this kind of like in anime when they think too much and Jason just grab it out of his hand "Noooooooooooo" He had never faced defeat like this but guess what, it was happening now.

Everyone was then like well shit i guess we oughtta help, but it was no use.

Scarecrow was a little shellfish and tried to take his scaregas back, only to be jabbed with it again so there he goes tripping really bad.

Riddler and Two-Face tried to stand in Jason's way but he smacked them both with Penguins umbrella and then used it to hop out the window and float down to the street below like Mary Poppins. Penguin and Batman waited below trying to use a fish net to capture him because they are by the sea duhhhh, but he used the Batmobile remote to get the batmobile to push them both into the water and hopped inside it. The little shit was a expert at getting away and there was only one person to blame for all the signs of bad parenting... Batman himself.

But there was no time to think about that, they were soon all up in the lighthouse, using the light to search Gotham city for the jerky turkey.

And no one was happy no one at all. Not even a mouse

AND THEN Bane showed up, yes he was a hell of alot late but his presence definitely lit up the party like a christmas tree had just been lit up. He walked in sporting a pink ballerina outfit and had pink flowers on his big bald head. He was so glamorous and fab that the others could not help but to get in a better mood.

Soon they were just like all arguing over him and he was just like "I WANT" and they all pause waiting for his choice in glam glam love. "ALL OF YOUUU." He was kissy kissy on Scarecrow's ugly tore up face and huggy huggy on Batman's muscular body and throbby throbby on Two-face's two fleshed body if you know what I mean and it definitely was a change in mood.

There was enough alcohol floating around for everyone not to give a fly and no one could have got away even if they wanted to because like who can stand when they are smashed drunk? So I'm sure someone got raped out of the bunch.

"Oh my goshhh" Slade was like a hopeless romantic when he was drunk and pulled out his collection of diamond rings and was passing them around. "I want to marry all of you!" He announced and it seemed like such a great idea when they were all so drunk so they all exchanged vowels.

"I'm big enough for all of you" Bane flexed and said I do

"I'm too drunk to say no!" Riddler giggled and put the ring on his pinky so he could cheat on all of them, backstabber.

Two Face had tears in his eyes because lets face it he's ugly but he was getting married "I DOOOO"

Cobblepot just kinda waved his finger around and Batman helped him put on the ring and said the I do for both of them, "You guys complete me" It was cheesey and true because what is Batman without villains?

They all huggled and went to sleeps. Will they be as loyal when they are sober?


End file.
